Back to School When Your Child Is Neurodivergent: Preparing Without Adding Pressure

Back-to-school season is everywhere. New uniforms. New pencil cases. First-day photographs. Excited children counting down the days.

But for some neurodivergent children — and their parents — September doesn't necessarily feel exciting.

It can feel like a very big demand looming on the horizon.

So rather than asking, “How do I get my child school-ready?”, perhaps there's another question we can ask:

“How can I make the transition back to school feel a little safer?”

Why can returning to school feel so difficult?

Think about when you take time off work for a holiday.

You may not go anywhere. You may just spend the time at home with your family, or even by yourself, to reset and get bits done that you want to do.

Then it's Sunday evening. You go back to work on Monday morning and you're thinking, “Gosh, I really can't be bothered to go back.”

You may have had a week or two where you've not had rushed mornings — ensuring everyone is ready for where they need to be while also making sure you have what you need for the day ahead.

You may have got back from the school or nursery run, made yourself a cup of tea and actually been able to drink it hot. Or perhaps you've caught up with friends without children running around your feet.

Whatever you've managed to do with your time off, I'm sure that work looming can still make you go...

“Ugh.”

So, keeping that in mind, let's think about how it might feel for our children when they're thinking about going back to school.

They've had six weeks off.

They haven't had to get up at a certain time and immediately greet a handful of demands.

There hasn't been the “Come on, we need to get ready for school” pressure.

They haven't been met with quite so many transitions throughout their day:

Wake up → bathroom → get changed → breakfast → travel → school → assembly → class → learning → break → PE → reading → writing → lunch...

And on it goes.

The demands of the summer holidays are still there, but they're different.

In most cases, it doesn't matter if they don't get dressed for the day. In our house, if we aren't going out — and to be honest, sometimes even if we are — we're very flexible with what the children choose to wear.

I have literally just walked up to the chalk pit behind my house and my three-year-old chose to wear her pyjamas.

Everything is a little more relaxed during the holidays.

My six-year-old autistic daughter, S, who is Autistic and PDA, can be particular about meals. She has never been a “three meals a day” child, which can cause difficulties at school. She tends to pick at things throughout the day and then has a meal in the evening — sometimes a picky plate.

During the summer holidays, S has been able to have more control over her food. She has access to her safe foods, and I allow her to eat as and when she feels able.

We've still had to keep some routine throughout the holidays because completely removing routine would cause S to become overwhelmed and dysregulated. She needs to know, “What is happening next?”

But S has also been able to spend most days with her safe people and within familiar environments.

We've met friends throughout the summer, but this has been based on S's feelings and capacity on the day. We're lucky to have a support network who understand S and her autism, so she doesn't experience quite the same social pressure around them.

Compare this with school and things are very different. At school, S often masks and watches or mimics the behaviour of others in an attempt to fit in.

Six weeks off — and suddenly we're expecting her to switch back into school mode?

Not a chance.

It is also worth considering anticipatory anxiety — the worry, fear or dread that can arise before something happens.

For a child who finds school difficult, the demand doesn't necessarily begin when they walk through the school gates. Knowing that school is approaching can itself bring uncertainty and anxiety.

When we're considering a PDA profile, returning to school may also involve changes in autonomy, increasing expectations, uncertainty, transitions and a rapidly increasing demand load.

What might going back to school actually represent to our child's nervous system?

What do we do in August?

The end of the summer holiday is near and our children may still be in complete reset mode.

They may or may not be aware that August leads to September, and September means the start of school.

It might be tempting to suddenly introduce earlier bedtimes, earlier mornings, practicing the school run and reducing screen time.

But actually, in doing so, we could create a massive new pile of demands.

As I said above, routines aren't a bad thing. For our family, S needs some routine to be able to get through each day.

However, gradual and individualised preparation may be more helpful than trying to recreate school two weeks early.

So what actually needs preparing?

For many families, uniform is one of the biggest practical jobs.

Do their T-shirts still fit? What state were their shoes in at the end of last term? Do they need bigger jumpers?

S has a relaxed uniform agreement and is able to wear clothing she finds comfortable. However, we still made a shopping trip last week to buy her “school clothes”.

She spent time choosing clothes that felt comfortable and told me that she wanted to make sure everything was ready the day before she went back to school.

I let S lead on this.

And just held out my bank card when required!

Without really framing it as “PREPARING FOR SCHOOL”, we were preparing for school.

S had autonomy within that situation.

Making preparation enjoyable can work for some neurodivergent children. Perhaps they're taking their own pencil case this year. If so, you could take a trip out — or look online if shops are difficult — and allow your child to choose one themselves.

But again, follow your child. Something that creates excitement for one child could make the approaching demand feel much more real for another.

Let them lead where they can

S's school provided us with a transition booklet at the end of last term.

We didn't look at it until this week — two weeks before school starts.

I didn't make a big deal about it and I didn't tell S that she had to read it. I simply left it on the table until she eventually asked what it was.

I said:

“It's a booklet about Year 2. Would you like to read it?”

S: “What's in it?”

Me: “I'm not sure, I haven't looked yet. But I'd guess it's about your new classroom and your new teachers.”

S: “I know my teacher's name. It's Mrs H.”

Me: “Yes, that's right. Do you know who else is in your class this year?”

S: “Yes, Mrs W.”

Me: “Shall we open the booklet and see what else it says?”

S: “Yes, I want to do it.”

So again, I let her take the lead.

It wasn't a big booklet — three or four pages — but it contained photographs of S's new teacher, the teaching assistants, her classroom and the playground she'd use at break and lunchtime.

It naturally opened up a conversation about going back to school.

S and I could talk about what she was looking forward to and what was making her not want to go back.

Every child presents differently.

You might think introducing school preparation two weeks beforehand would be far too early for your child. Perhaps you started a week ago. Maybe you aren't going to mention it until the week before.

However it looks for your family, you know your child better than anyone.

Follow what you know they find reassuring and what is least likely to increase their anxiety.

S finds knowing reassuring. She doesn't like to think or feel that she's being left out of anything.

So we have open conversations about school at home. If I'm speaking to her dad and she overhears us, she may listen and sometimes ask questions, which we'll answer. Otherwise, we don't pursue the conversation if she appears uninterested or overwhelmed.

My cousin uses a visual countdown for her son returning to school. It works brilliantly for him because he can visually see how many days of the holidays are left and what he'll be doing on those days.

That won't work for every child.

And that's the point.

Preparation should reduce uncertainty, not increase pressure.

Getting practical

What information could you clarify before school begins?

S's transition booklet showed us her teacher, teaching assistants, classroom, playground and the door children would normally enter through.

S and I also talked about lunchtime.

We had difficulties with lunch last school year. S found the playground overwhelming and the lunch hall very noisy and busy.

There are now arrangements in place for S to have the option of attending “lunch club”, which offers her a quieter, less demanding environment. She can choose independently each day whether she wants to use it.

I've found that if I slowly drip information to S about school, she's less likely to become overwhelmed by it.

Over the past week, I've occasionally introduced conversations about school when S has appeared calm and regulated.

They've been practical comments such as:

“There's still an agreement that if you don't want to stay in the classroom when a video is playing, you can move into the shared area.”

I might get a nod.

Sometimes I get a response.

That's OK.

What could you try with your child?

Depending on your child, you might:

• Look at photographs of school.

• Walk past the school.

• Ask whether school can provide photographs of a new classroom or teacher.

• Create a simple visual.

• Ask whether a low-pressure visit before term starts is available.

• 
  

But most importantly:

Don't bombard your child with all of the information just because you've gathered it.

Sometimes we can hold some of that predictability for our child until it's useful.

What sensory needs should we consider before September?

As I mentioned, S has a relaxed uniform agreement, but we still went shopping for new school clothes.

Uniform can be a big sensory ick for neurodivergent children.

It can feel scratchy and uncomfortable, particularly after six weeks of living in their own comfy clothes. New shoes can have that horrible stiff, “these need wearing in” feeling too.

So ask yourself:

What sensory demands could I reduce before September?

Could you wash new uniform a few times to soften that “new uniform” stiffness?

Could your child wear their new shoes around the house to break them in, knowing they can take them off whenever they've had enough?

Does your child have a particular hairstyle that they like? Has their hair grown over the summer? How do they feel about having it cut before returning?

And then there are sensory demands we can't simply remove: busy corridors, noise, lunch-hall smells, heat, bright classrooms and crowded playgrounds.

S has ear defenders at school. They're always available to her and she can access them when she feels she needs them.

I've also spoken with the SENCO at S's school and reasonable adjustments are in place to help her manage the school environment.

For example, S doesn't enter school with everyone else. She goes in 15 minutes later through reception so she isn't immediately met with the hustle and bustle of a busy school morning.

Equally, she's collected 15 minutes before the end of the day to avoid the overwhelm of a crowded playground and hundreds of children running towards their parents.

Let's move to September...

What demands does your child face before they've even reached school?

I've found it useful to write down all the demands S encounters before she has even left the house.

It's important to remember that a demand isn't necessarily just somebody asking them to do something. Internal needs and expectations can add to the load too.

Wake up → toilet → wash → dress → breakfast → drink → teeth → hair → lunch choices → shoes → bag → leave → travel → enter school.

That's an enormous demand stack for some children.

So ask yourself:

How can I make our mornings less demanding?

What could happen the night before?

S has already decided that she's going to prepare her clothes the night before. We've bought a hanging door organiser so she can put her clothes, hair items and anything else she wants in there.

During the last school year, I also got into the routine of making sure her bag was packed and sitting on the kitchen counter before I went to bed. That meant the only thing I needed to add in the morning was her water bottle.

It saves a lot of running around when you're already trying to juggle 200 other things!

I'm quite relaxed about how S gets ready.

I know that she personally needs around an hour after waking before she can even think about getting ready for school.

If she wakes later than usual, I accept that she might not get to school at the usual time. I don't start rushing her or repeatedly telling her she's going to be late, because I know that for S, that pressure makes getting there even harder.

If she's awake at her usual time — she can't manage alarm clocks because that's an additional demand before she's even opened her eyes — she comes downstairs, has a hot chocolate and regulates with her comforter and favourite TV programme.

Sometimes I'm able to use Alexa as a timer, but that depends on S's capacity that morning.

Again, it can become another demand when it isn't necessary.

What I am consistent with is a verbal countdown because S actually finds this helpful.

I might say:

“If you'd like to get to school at the usual time today, we need to think about getting changed after two more episodes of your programme.”

Often she'll participate.

Occasionally she'll say:

“I don't want to go to school.”

If S refuses, I acknowledge what she's said:

“I hear that you don't want to go to school today.”

I don't immediately pile another ten demands on top.

I'll often take myself away and get her sister ready while S continues doing whatever she needs to do.

Our mornings didn't always look like this

They used to be chaotic.

Before I really understood PDA, autism and how S experienced the world, I'd be tearing my hair out.

I'd rush her.

Try to get her changed.

Tell her to brush her teeth and hair.

Try to make her eat breakfast.

And effectively lose my shit before we'd even left the house.

And how did that work out?

It didn't.

S started point-blank refusing school.

She picked up on my frustration. My stress added pressure to an already overloaded situation, and both of us became increasingly dysregulated.

Eventually, it became so stressful that I started considering home education.

I was signed off work by my doctor with chronic stress.

Something had to give.

So what did I do?

I gave my head a wobble and tried looking at everything from a different perspective.

I don't like being rushed.

I don't like waking up to washing-up in the sink.

I don't like coming downstairs to a living room with toys everywhere.

Before I go to bed, I reset the living room and kitchen because I need a calmer environment to start my day.

And then it clicked.

My daughter needed her version of that too.

I had been so anxious about S being late for school.

When my thinking shifted towards “getting her there with less distress is more important than creating so much pressure around the clock that we don't get there at all”, our mornings began to flow much more gently.

Schools, SEND and reasonable adjustments

Of course, I know from my professional experience that not every school will approach attendance as flexibly as S's school has.

There can be enormous pressure around attendance, punctuality and uniform.

But there is an important distinction between expecting attendance and ignoring the barriers that are making attendance difficult.

Disabled pupils are protected by the Equality Act 2010.

Schools have a legal duty to make reasonable adjustments where a disabled pupil would otherwise be placed at a substantial disadvantage compared with pupils who are not disabled. What constitutes a reasonable adjustment depends on the individual circumstances.

And reasonable adjustments aren't simply about ramps, toilets or physical accessibility.

They can involve changes to the way something is usually done or additional support that helps prevent a disabled pupil being substantially disadvantaged.

This is particularly relevant when we're talking about attendance.

The Department for Education's current statutory guidance, Working Together to Improve School Attendance, specifically addresses pupils with SEND who are struggling to attend.

It says schools are expected to work in partnership with parents and establish strategies for removing in-school barriers. This includes considering support or reasonable adjustments around uniform, transport, routines, access to support in school and lunchtime arrangements.

Schools are also expected to consider adjustments to practices and policies for pupils struggling to attend and to make formal reasonable adjustments under Section 20 of the Equality Act 2010 where a pupil is disabled. Adjustments should be agreed with and regularly reviewed alongside the pupil and their parents.

There is also the Children and Families Act 2014.

Section 66 requires the appropriate authority for mainstream schools and certain other education settings to use its best endeavours to secure the special educational provision called for by a pupil's special educational needs.

None of this means that every adjustment requested will automatically be considered reasonable, nor does it mean that attendance expectations simply disappear.

It does mean that when SEND or disability is creating barriers to accessing education, the conversation shouldn't simply be:

“How do we make this child comply with the usual system?”

It should also include:

“What barriers are getting in the way — and what can we reasonably change to help this child access education?”

When you're thinking about your own school mornings, remember:

The school gate might be where capacity runs out for your child — not necessarily where the difficulty began.

Tell school BEFORE things become impossible

When S started Reception in 2024, I was reluctant to speak to her teacher about the difficulties we were experiencing in the mornings or the dysregulation we were seeing when she returned home.

I managed to convince myself that it was because Reception was a bigger environment.

She was learning about social communication, academic expectations and being away from me five days a week.

It wasn't until the end of October that I decided I needed to speak to her teacher.

She was extremely supportive and immediately said she'd speak with the SENCO, organise an individual needs plan and refer S to the Child Development Clinic for a neurodevelopmental assessment.

The following year, S started well.

But two weeks into September she began struggling — much more than the previous year.

This time, I didn't wait.

I spoke to her teacher immediately, had meetings with the SENCO and reasonable adjustments were implemented.

The lesson I learnt was:

Don't wait until everyone is drowning before you seek support.

This year, I've already had a meeting with S's new teacher.

I've explained what she can manage, what overwhelms her and how the teacher might notice signs that she's becoming dysregulated.

S won't necessarily tell someone when she's anxious, doesn't want to do something or is upset.

We become detectives in those moments.

And I needed to teach S's new teacher how to be a detective for her too.

The SENCO was present at our meeting. S has an Additional Needs Plan, so we confirmed the reasonable adjustments currently in place, discussed what she enjoys and finds difficult, and talked about what can help when she's becoming overwhelmed.

It's easy for me to write all of this confidently now and say:

“Yeah, I've nailed it.”

But it wasn't easy.

And it definitely wasn't an immediate win.

Sharing information with school became an organised process, which is exactly why I've included a Back-to-School Communication Sheet in the free resource available at the end of this blog.

Parents shouldn't have to explain their child's entire nervous system during a rushed conversation at the school gate.

Let's be realistic...

The first few weeks can take a lot of capacity.

School might appear to go brilliantly...

...while home goes completely to shit.

Some children appear to hold things together throughout the school day and release that overwhelm once they're home.

For S, home is often where I see the impact of everything she's managed throughout the day — which, let's face it, can really suck for the people at home!

So I'm preparing for the possibility that she may need significantly more support and regulation during those first few weeks.

She may be exhausted.

She's spent six weeks living largely within her own limits and being able to take time out when she needs it. At school, she can't simply disappear into her bedroom for a siesta.

I'm fully expecting increased meltdowns after school, which is frustrating as hell because S has only just about recovered from the last school year.

I know she's likely to need extra regulation when she gets home.

That might mean relaxed screen time where she can sit with her iPad or watch TV.

For me, that's fine.

I'm also prepared for sleep changes. S has never been a particularly good sleeper anyway, but when she's anxious her sleep can become extremely disturbed.

So if she gets home from school and needs half an hour's sleep?

That's fine by me.

I'm going to make sure S has what she needs around her to support her recovery after school.

Her younger sister, R — three and currently showing possible ADHD/autistic traits — winds S up something chronic.

For the first few weeks, where possible, I'll try to make sure R isn't immediately around when S gets home so S has a little time to decompress before the whirlwind arrives.

I'll reduce unnecessary pressures around things such as dinner, drinks and changing clothes and let S lead on what she is actually able to manage.

And that's the question I want you to take away:

“What is my child realistically able to manage right now?”

September probably isn't the ideal time to introduce seventeen new after-school activities.

Use some of that time to reconnect and regulate.

You can be interested in how your child's day has been.

And if they don't want to tell you?

That's OK too.

And what about us — the parents and caregivers?

Prepare yourselves too.

Am I nervous about S going back to school?

Absolutely.

Will I dump all of that anxiety onto her?

Absolutely not.

I've made a plan for at least the first week of S returning.

I'm not putting anything unnecessary in my diary.

I'm fully expecting the first few days to be difficult, and I'm mentally preparing myself for that possibility.

I'm not going to compare our experience with the social-media posts of “X's first day back!” or spend my morning staring at parent-group-chat photographs showing the transition from Reception to Year 2.

Of course, I could be completely wrong.

S might happily skip into school without looking back.

Is that going to upset me?

Absolutely not.

A difficult first day doesn't predict the whole school year.

And neither does a brilliant one.

We'll take it a day at a time.

So September is nearly here... what do we think?

Getting ready for school in our household looks very different now from what I once thought it should look like.

There aren't boards saying “My First Day” with a load of information about S.

There isn't necessarily excitement floating around the house about meeting a teacher or seeing friends.

More often than not, there's an air of anxiety.

I've learnt that it's OK for that to be there.

It's about how we support one another through it.

Preparation once meant:

uniform ✓ shoes ✓ bag ✓ bedtime ✓

Now it also means:

predictability ✓ capacity ✓ sensory needs ✓ autonomy ✓ connection ✓

Preparing for September isn't easy for every family.

That's why I've written this blog — for the parents already feeling that knot in their stomach as September gets closer, and to share some of our own experiences so you know that you don't have to navigate it alone.

I've also created a free Back-to-School Regulation & Transition Pack to help you put some of these ideas into practice — including a Morning Pressure Audit, School Communication Sheet, Comfort Plan and First-Weeks Check-In.

Take what works for your family.

Leave what doesn't.

And remember:

Preparation isn't about making your child ready for school at any cost. Sometimes it's about making the return to school more accessible for the child you already have.

With love,

Becky x

Sources & further reading

Department for Education (2026), Working Together to Improve School Attendance. Statutory guidance for schools, academy trusts, governing bodies and local authorities in England. Updated 9 July 2026. Read the Department for Education attendance guidance

Equality Act 2010, Section 20 — duty to make reasonable adjustments for disabled people, including within the education provisions of the Act.

Children and Families Act 2014, Section 66 — duty to use best endeavours to secure special educational provision for pupils with SEN.