Equalising in PDA: When it looks like Defiance But is really about Safety

"Why does my child always have to argue?"

"Why do they correct me all the time?"

Why can't they just accept help?"

These are questions I hear frequently from parents of children with PDA, and questions I have often asked myself.

Have you ever been trying to help your child and have them shout and scream at you, "I don't want your help!" - knowing full well they do?

Many of the behaviours that can feel challenging, controlling or even disrespectful are often understood through a PDA concept known as equalising.

When we understand equalising, we can begin to see that what looks like opposition is often a child's attempt to feel safe.

So what is Equalising?

The term 'equalising' has been used within PDA practice, particularly by PDA practitioner and author Phil Christie, to describe behaviours that help a PDA individual reduce feelings of vulnerability or power imbalance.

Many PDA individuals experience demands differently from others.

Every day requests, expectations, instructions and even offers of help can trigger anxiety because they can feel like a loss of autonomy.

Equalising is one way of restoring a sense of balance.

It is the child's attempt to say:

"I need to feel like I have some control here." "I need to feel like we're on the same level." "I need to feel safe."

Why is Autonomy so important?

Research and clinical observations suggest that PDA is characterised by an anxiety-driven need to resist demands and maintain autonomy.

For many children with PDA, being directed by someone else can trigger feelings of:

• Loss of control

• Vulnerability

• Dependence

• Shame

• Threat

Their nervous system may react as though the demand is far bigger than it appears to the people around them.

What looks like a simple request to brush teeth, get dressed or start homework can feel overwhelming when anxiety is already high.

Equalising helps reduce that discomfort.

What Equalising Can Look Like

Equalising shows up differently in every child.

You might notice your child:

Correcting adults

"No, that's not right." "I already know that!"

My daughter often responds to something I have said with a correction.

I hear, "no it's not" ALOT - which drives me insane, but I understand that it is her body needing to have the autonomy in that moment. So, even if I know that she is incorrect - I nod and agree, because her nervous system will feel calmer and safer if I do.

Refusing Help

Even when they are struggling.

It's frustrating, right? How many times have you watched your child repeatedly try and do something, desperate to ask, "Do you need a hand?" but holding back because the likelihood of being met with a "NO I DO NOT" response is high.

Accepting help can feel vulnerable and may reinforce a sense of dependence.

Challenging Rules

"Who made that rule?"

"Why do I have to do it?"

My daughter's favourite: "that's stupid!"

This isn't always about being difficult. Often they genuinely need the rule to make sense before they can engage with it.

Giving Instructions to Adults

This can be common in play, but also equally as common in every day life.

I despise playing Barbies with my daughter because she scripts what she wants me to say and do. It's irritating as hell! But, I go along with it because to not do it would mean her nervous system would react in fight or flight - and no one wants to see Barbie thrown at a wall, let alone thrown at me!

Directing others can help restore a feeling of balance.

Arguing about Seemingly Small Things

Many parents describe feeling as though every conversation becomes a negotiation.

The issue is rarely the issue.

Often the child is trying to reducce anxiety by reclaiming a sense of agency.

Imagine a parent says:

"It's time to put your shoes on!"

A child responds:

"You put your shoes on first."

Or

"Why?"

Or

"I don't want those shoes."

At first glance, this may appear oppositional. And when you encounter this without understanding the deeper response, it's annoying. It's frustrating. Your immediate want to respond with "because I asked you to!" will be overpowering.

However, from a PDA perspective, the child may be attempting to move the interaction away from a traditional adult-child hierarchy and into a space that feels more equal.

Once they feel safer and more in control, they may actually become more able to co-operate.

Equalising and the Nervous System

Understanding equalising becomes easier when we think about the nervous system.

When a child is within their Window of Tolerance, they are generally able to think, problem solve, communicate and manage demands.

However, when anxiety rises, the nervous system moves towards survival mode.

At that point, equalising behaviours can increase because they serve an important purpose:

They help the child feel safer.

Rather than asking: "How do I stop this behaviour?"

It can be helpful to ask: "What is this behaviour helping my child manage?"

Often the answer is anxiety.

Drawing upon an example of my own PDA daughter - she has a meltdown every morning when it is a school day. I can give her the same style socks she wore the day before that, and that, but it could be wrong and those socks will get launched across the room whilst she is screaming "not those socks!"

It's not about the socks.

It's about her anxiety; her emotional based school avoidance, because - guess what - school makes her anxious.

What Equalising is Not

One of the biggest misconception is that equalising means a child is being manipulative, controlling or intentionally difficult.

In reality, equalising is usually an unconscious strategy.

The child is not sitting there planning how to challenge authority.

Instead, they are responding to feelings of discomfort and threat.

Understanding the distinction can completely change how we respond.

How Parents can Support Equalising Needs

Move from authority to collaboration

Instead of

"Because I said so."

Try: "Let's figure this out together."

Going back to my daughter and her socks;

"Not those socks!"

"OK, I can hear these are not the right socks for you today. Shall we figure out together what socks would be good for you to wear?"

Collaboration often feels safer than compliance.

Offer genuine choices

Not forced choices.

Real choices help restore autonomy.

For example: "I wonder if you would like the socks with the stripes and heart, or the socks with the happy face."

Be willing to share the power

Allowing your child influence where appropriate can reduce the need for constant equalising.

Perhaps it's bringing down 3 pairs of each clothing and performing a 'fashion show,' allowing your child to choose their outfit for the day.

Validate their perspective

You do not have to agree.

But acknowledging their feelings can reduce anxiety.

"I can see why that doesn't feel fair."

"I can hear you don't want to go to school today because you are unsure about lunch time."

Avoid unnecessary battles

Ask yourself:

"Is this boundary essential?"

Some boundaries are non-negotiable.

Many are not.

Choosing your battles carefully can preserve everyone's energy.

Repair and model humility

Many PDA children respond well when adults admit mistakes.

Saying:

"I got that wrong"

can help create the sense of equality they are seeking.

The Challenge for Parents

Living with constant equalising can be exhausting.

It can feel as though every request is questioned, every decision is challenged and every conversation becomes a negotiation.

Many parents describe feeling worn down and frustrated.

Those feelings are completely understandable.

Understanding equalising doesn't make parenting easier overnight, but it can help us move away from seeing our children as deliberately oppositional and towards seeing the anxiety underneath the behaviour.

That shift alone can transform the relationship.

A Different Lens

The next time your child corrects you, argues over a tiny detail, refuses help or challenges a rule, pause for a moment and consider:

"Could this be equalising?"

Rather than trying to win the power struggle, we can focus on creating enough safety that the struggle is no longer needed.

Because underneath many equalising behaviours is not a child seeking control over others.

It is a child trying desperately to feel safe within themselves.

Becky x

References:

Christie, P.et al. (2012) Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome in Children

Green, J & Eaton, J. (2021) Clinical perspectives on PDA and anxiety-driven demand avoidance.